A little light to brighten your night

[Arathorn III]

If you don't find these funny, then what are you waiting for? Get to a doctor immediately! :lol


-- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
-- A backward poet writes inverse.
-- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
-- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
-- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
-- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
-- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
-- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
-- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
-- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off!
-- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
-- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
-- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
-- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-- Every calendar's days are numbered.
-- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
-- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
-- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-- Acupuncture is a jab well done


Last and most assuredly not least:

-- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

:lol :lol :lol

[RW7427]

These are so bad they're funny! :lol :lol :lol

[Theodred]

- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Hehehehe, very punny. :lol

[Tarcristiel]

-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

:roll



“Don‘t call my palace a nasty hole! You wait till it has been cleaned and redecorated!”

[RW7427]

I have a friend on the net in Australia. I should show that to him. ;)

[Damaring]

*GIGGLES*

You know, no matter how many times you see some of these, no matter how corny they are, they still make you laugh.

[Barahir]

Hehehe... and I've said a lot of those, too. :lol :lol

[Theodred]

Barahir the pun-master, right? :lol

[Tarcristiel]

Better than being Barahir the thigh-master! :eek



“Don‘t call my palace a nasty hole! You wait till it has been cleaned and redecorated!”

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

No mater however many times I hear that one, it's still funny. :)

[Galadriel]

:lol

I've said some of those too.

[X Rogue]

GO straight to the Punitentiary! :lol

[Arathorn III]

Hehe, good one, Rogue. :D

Am I the only one as has not said any of these myself? :$

[Poguemahone]

Love em all

[Tarcristiel]

GO straight to the Punitentiary!

:roll



“I have been that way twice, when I knew there was a dragon at the other end, so I will risk a third visit when I am no longer sure. Anyway the only way out is down.”

[Barahir]

Hehehe. :p

[Theodred]

Ready for ten more long drawn out puns?



1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in N. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much-and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ... what? (This is so bad it's good...) a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

Mental.
Hey, have you guys heard the one about the magic tractor? yeah, turned into a field.

[Barahir]

:p

I've actually used every one of those last ones you mentioned, Theo. :lol

[Tarcristiel]

He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I was having a good chuckle reading them; this one made me burst out laughing! * wipes tears from her eyes *

Thanks for sharing :DD

[Arathorn III]

Those are good! I like the "super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis". :P

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

Anymore?
I like this thread.

[Byrhthelm]

Hiawatha actually had three wives, and they all became pregnant at more or less the same time. The boss squaw went to Hiawatha and said, "I want a special birthing blanket; none of your deerskin rubbish, I want a wolf skin blanket". So Hiawatha dutifully went and got his bow and arrows and set out on a wolf hunt. Being a mighty hunter he was, of course, successful and dutifully returned to his tepee with a beautiful, soft wolfskin birthing blanket that he presented to his chief wife. The second wife was jealous and demanded that she had a birthing blanket made of buffalo hide. So, Hiawatha once again grabbed his bow and arrows and set out for the plains. In due course, our successful hunter returned with a luxurious buffalo-hide birthing blanket and presented it to No 2 wife. The third, junior, wife became jealous in her turn and demanded that she be given a birthing blanket made from the skin of a hippopotamus. So, once again Hiawatha grabbed bow and arrows, and his canoe, and set off across the ocean to Africa. He was once again successful and made it back to his tepee just in time to present the hippopotamus hide to No 3 wife before all three ladies went into labour. The head wife duly gave birth, on her wolfskin blanket, to a perfect little boy; the second wife, on her buffalo hide blanket gave birth to a beautiful little girl. The third wife was safely delivered of twins, one boy and one girl. Which just goes to show that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other hides.

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

rriiight. Im sure thats funny if you get it. :(

[Arathorn III]

It has it's base in mathematics. :lol

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

I can do maths..... well... kinda...

[Arathorn III]

I think the idea is "the square of a hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares on the other sides". :lol

[Galadriel]

That's good! :lol

1.An English professor was reading The Canterbury Tales to his class and noticed that a student had fallen asleep. Annoyed, he sent the book spinning through the air and bouncing off the boy's head.

Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.

"That," said the prof, "was a flying Chaucer."


2. Scientists are now saying that obesity can be caused by viruses. I guess you have to eat a lot of them.

3. I went to a petrified forest and all the animals were afraid of me.

4. The Italian government is installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After all, what good is the inclination if you don't have the time?

5. Entering a friend's home for his weekly poker game, Slick is amazed to see a dog sitting at the table. He's even more surprised when the dog wins the first hand with a full house, and takes the second with a royal flush.

"This is unreal," Slick says after the dog wins the next two hands. "He's got to be the only dog in the world that can play like that."

"Aw, he's not so great," says the host. "There's a dog in Vegas who doesn't wag his tail every time he gets a good hand."

6. It's easy to get separated when shopping at a large store. So when a co-worker of mine was asked by a woman to please page her missing husband, he gladly obliged.

Loud and clear over the PA system, he announced, "If there is a Rich Hooker in the store, please come to the customer-service desk. Your party is waiting for you."

7. Our government always struck me as having many layers. But I no longer think that, not after this e-mail from an associate in another country: "I demonstrated the product to the Minister of Defiance and his Chief of Stuff."

8. My wife walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform. "I'm assuming this is a costume," said my wife. "But what are your supposed to be?"

The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."

9. Desperate for a Halloween costume for a party, my 43-year-old daughter had an inspired idea. She put on a slinky dress and fishnet stockings, and balanced a small tabletop on her head. Affixed to it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She went as a one-night stand. And won first prize.

[Arathorn III]

Hehehehe. :lol

[Byrhthelm]

A guy walked into a pet shop, and told the sales clerk, "I want to buy a parrot". The clerk replied, "Fine, sir, but we only have three parrots at the moment. There's that red one in the corner, with a crest on his head, then there's the yellow one, halfway down the row, and finally there's the green one at the far end".

The customer looks at all three parrots, and says, "H'mm, the red one looks cool. How much are you asking for him"?

The clerk answers, "The red parrot, sir? He costs $4,000 dollars".

The customer nearly faints, and croaks, "How much"?

"$4,000, sir".

"No, no", the customer says, "that's far too much".

"Well, sir, he is a special parrot. He can imitate, almost note perfect, all the works of Beethoven - in chronological order. There are one or two screeches here and there, but he is only a parrot, after all".

"No, all I want is a parrot that can say things like 'pretty Polly' and 'Polly wants a cracker. How about the yello one"?

"Ah, sir, that parrot costs $8,000", says the clerk.

"$8,000"! screams the customer, "What's so special about that parrot"?

"Ah, sir, that parrot can repeat all the works of Tchaikovsky, in chronological order, including the 1812 Overture, complete with cannon fire and church bell sound effects".

"No, that's not what I want", replies the customer, "How about the green bird at the far end"?

"Well, sir, I'm not really sure about the price of that one, he only came in yesterday. But I think that he's gpoing to cost somewhere around $12,000".

"$12,000"? whispers the customer, "Why? What's so special about him"?

"Well, sir, as I said, he only came in yesterday, and I haven't really heard him say or do anthing yet, but the othr two have been calling him 'Maestro'.

[Tarcristiel]

:roll

Byrhthelm, I got your math joke! :lol



Just now he was enjoying the sport of town-baiting more than he had enjoyed anything for years.

[Theodred]

Good ones, guys.

[Tarcristiel]

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.



”The whole place still stinks of dragon,” he grumbled to himself, “and it makes me sick.”

[Galadriel]

That's really corny, yet...:lol

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

Thats is sooooo funnny

[Arathorn III]

That's pretty good. :lol

[Tarcristiel]

Lazy sailors look forward to chore leave.



”Something strange is happening,” said Thorin.

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

NOt quite as good as the donut one im afraid.

[Poguemahone]

Those took a while to read, but they are great

[Theodred]

chore leave, shore leave. :lol Hehehe.

[Arathorn III]

That one's pretty good! :lol

[Tarcristiel]

When the skeleton went to a party he had no body to dance with.

[Arathorn III]

Hehe, that's a good one! :lol

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

Thats funny :lol, you can almost smell the cheese in that.

[Arathorn III]

Smell the cheese? Is that an Australianism? ;)

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

No, it's me-ism. I make up my own phrases most of the time. Its sooo much more fun.

[Arathorn III]

Hehe! That's like making your own sandwiches!

[RW7427]

Thats funny :lol, you can almost smell the cheese in that.

:biggrin

**Sniffs around looking for cheese.**

[Arathorn III]

Wow, we mention cheese and RW appears out of thin air! :p

[RW7427]

Cheese is the magic word. ;)

[Arathorn III]

CHEEEEEEEEESE! :cc

[Tarcristiel]

Legolas!

{House rule. Whenever "cheese" is mentioned, I get to say "Legolas!"}



”The whole place still stinks of dragon,” he grumbled to himself, “and it makes me sick.”

[Theodred]

Eseehc!
Salogel!

*Fluff police swoops down and taser Theodred*

AIIIIGH!

[Arathorn III]

Cheese to the rescue! *does patronus cantrip, and fluff police fly away*

[Tarcristiel]

Legolas!

{If I fluff enough, do you think I could reach 6,000 today?}



”The whole place still stinks of dragon,” he grumbled to himself, “and it makes me sick.”

[Arathorn III]

Oh, undoubtedly.

Do you like cheese, kaz?

[Tarcristiel]

Yes, I do. Ham & swiss, turkey & swiss; swissburgers; mac & cheese; lasagna; cheese pizza; cheese on tacos.



”Something strange is happening,” said Thorin.

[Arathorn III]

Legolas, Legolas, Legolas. ;)

[Tarcristiel]

http://pic10.picturetrail.com/VOL326/681490/2564433/52789164.jpg

http://pic10.picturetrail.com/VOL326/681490/2564433/50608901.jpg

[Galadriel]

Chesseus: son of Zeus, brother to resourceful Odysseus, killed by the Turdanes

[Byrhthelm]

To the tune of 'My Grandfather's Clock':

My Grandfather's ferret
Was a beast of little merit :evilc
That lived out the back in a cage.
When you peered through the bars,
You'd see his eyes like little stars,
All gleaming with impotent rage. :angry
Now, the smell that he gave off,
Would make you splutter, gasp and cough
And his manners were unspeakably gross,
And he bit off anything he could reach
If you came too close.

When that ferret needed feeding
Someone always came back bleeding
Or looking as white as a sheet.
When you opened the door,
It was all-out bloody war,
And that ferret was quick on his feet.
He would go for your throat
Through two mufflers and a coat,
Or would savage a finger or two.
Then sit back with a self-satisfied smirk, :smirk
Like Wellington after Waterloo.

One day my Autny May
Tried to feed that thing some hay,
By poking it through the wire,
But that ferret thought that meat
Would be more up its street,
And with a sped that you had to admire,
Sank its teeth in her digit
And went absolutely rigid
Aunty May nearly went out of her mind
Then the daft cow opened up the door :cow
Just try try and attack from behind.

Now, when that ferret saw
That she'd opened wide the door, :mischief2
He was out and he was on her like a flash.
With a squeak of success,
He shot right up her dress.
Aunty May wished she hadn't been so rash. :ohwell
With his nasty little teeth :biggrin
He bit her underneath,
At the sides, round the front and round the back. :eek
And my Aunty May never smiled again, :sad
And neither did my Uncle Jack. :mischief2

Da-Daaa

[Theodred]

What a clever song, Byrhthelm! :lol :lol :lol

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

:lolc

Mental.

[Byrhthelm]

The Ballad of Robin Head:

'Twas in the forest of Sherwood,
In the year twelve hundred and ten,
Lived a pusher by the name of Robin Head :cool
And his band of very merry men.
They lived off nuts and berr-i-ies,
And the occasional spotted deer.
Doing their macrobiotic thing,
And dispensing oodles of cheer. :lol :lol

The sound of merry la-au-ghter :lol :lol :lol
Echoed through the forest green.
There was old Frair Tuck
(With whom nothing rhymes), :mischief
And Marian the acid queen.
Said Little John, 'let's get some meat',
Said Robin, 'Oh, what's the point,
I've had it with this venison thing,
Let's go and roll a joint'. :eek2

Just then upon this happy scene,
Burst a band of the Sherrif's men, :ohh
Saying, ''Ullo, 'ullo, 'ullo,
An' wot's all thishere then? :confused
I'm afraid you'll have to come with us
To the palace of the king'.
Said Robin, 'Now don't get uptoght, man
I'm only doing my thing'.

So Robin bade a sad farewell,
And to Marian he gave a kiss,
And went with "certain substances",
For further analysis.
Fast spread the news of Rob's arrest,
And the people came to see,
For the pusher who always gave big deals,
Had immense popularity.

And Robin was dragged before the throne,
Of Nottingham's terrible king,
Who said, 'For years I've been after you,
This time you'll b****y well swing, :angry
But before I sentene you to die
For the evils you have done,
Pray, what is this weed that you grow in the woods?
I think I will try some'.

The minutes passed in silence,
And the air grew stuffy and thick,
Said the Sherrif, 'Wow!! Those colours, man!"
And was promptly horribly sick. :\
But now my story has to end
But as happily as it began.
For while Robin still deals for the countryside,
The Sherrif deals for Nottingham.

(Note: This is posted for the humour in the lyrics only. I do not take drugs, neither do I recommend that anyone else does).

[Arathorn III]

:lol That is funny! :lol

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

that is good. I like the last verse. :p

[Barahir]

Hehe. :p

[Byrhthelm]

Father O'Sullivan was a young priest, just graduated from the seminary. He was allocated to a little parish, called Knock, in the west of Ireland. He'd been there for a couple of weeks when Father O'Brien, the priest from the next parish, invited him over on a Friday evening for dinner. Just to make him feel welcome.

At dinner on the Friday evening, Father O'Sullivan couldn't help noticing that Father O'Brien's housekeeper, Bridget, was quite young and very attractive. As the evening wore one, and as Father O'Sullivan grew a bit more relaxed, he picked up something from their body language that suggested Father O'Brien and Bridget were, perhaps, a little closer than was conventional. However, not being sure of his ground, he said nothing and the evening passed off quietly and quite successfully.

The next morning, Bridget came to Father O'Brien and complained that she couldn't find the silver soup ladle.

"Well, now", responded Father O'Brien, "when did you last see it"?

"Sure, at dinner last night", Bridget answered, "You don't think that that nice Father O'Sullivan...."?

"Ah, leave it to me, me darlin'. Sure, I'll write him a nice tactful letter".

Father O'Brien wrote the letter:

'Dear Father O'Sullivan,
Now, I'm not saying you did, and I'm not saying you didn't steal my silver soup
ladle, but the fact remains, we haven't been able to find it since you had dinner
here last night'.

Bridget posted the letter that very afternoon, but as it was a Saturday, it didn't get collected until the Monday, so Father O'Sullivan didn'y get it until the Tuesday. But he wrote straight back:

'Dear Father O'Brien,
Now, I'm not saying you are, and I'm not saying you're not sleeping with your
housekeeper, but the fact remains, if you had been sleeping in your own bed
these last three nights - you'd have found the soup ladle'!

[Arathorn III]

Oh dear. :lol

[Byrhthelm]

Oh dear. :lol


You've said that before! ;)

[Arathorn III]

I know. :lolc

[Byrhthelm]

About me.

[Arathorn III]

Sorry. ;)

[Byrhthelm]

No worries, mate.

[Byrhthelm]

Limericks:

A young lady from Paddington Green
By the Doctor for a check-up was seen
He said 'Right then, big breaths'
So she undid her dress
And said 'Yeth, and I'm only Thicthteen'.

There was a young man from Japan
Whose poetry never would scan
When they asked him why
He said in reply
'It's because I always try to put as many syllables on the last line that I can'.

There was a young lady from Coleshill
Who Inadvertently sat on a moles hill
The nose of the mole
Went right up the hole
The young lady's alright, but the mole's ill.

[Obtenebrasti]

Are those appropriate for all audiences? :P *lol*

[Byrhthelm]

Not really, but they have been Bowdlerised :biggrin ;)

[Theodred]

Creative. :p

[Byrhthelm]

If y'all didn't know better, I'd claim 'Creative' as my middle name.

[Obtenebrasti]

I'd thought it was Francis. :confused

[Byrhthelm]

Nope

[Arathorn III]

Right.... :\

[Byrhthelm]

This one's an old favourite of mine, which I've just rediscovered. Our Australian correspondents may have come across it already. It was written in 1965 by an Australian Journalist, John O'Grady.

"The Integrated Adjective"

I was down the Riverina, knockin' round the town a bit,
An' occasionally restin' with a schooner in me mitt;
An' on one o' these occasions, when the bar was pretty full,
An' the local blokes were arguin' assorted kinds o' bull,
I heard a conversation, most peculiar in its way,
Because only in Australia would you hear a joker say,
'Where yer bloody been yer Drongo? 'Aven't seen yer fer a week,
An' yer mate was lookin' fer yer when 'e come in from the creek;
'E was lookin' up at Ryan's an' down at bloody Joe's,
An' even in the Royal, wher 'e never bloody goes'
An' the other bloke said, 'Seen 'im. Owed 'im arf a bloody quid,
Fergot ter give it back to 'im, but now I bloody did.
Coulda used the thing me-bloody-self; been orf the bloody booze,
Up at Tumba-bloody-rumba, shootin' kanga-bloody-roos'.

Now their voices were a trifle loud, an' everybody heard
The peculiar integration of this adjectival word.
But no-one there was laughin', an' me, I wasn't game,
So I stood around an' let 'em think I spoke the bloody same.
An' one of 'em was interested to ask 'im what he'd bloody got,
How many kanga-bloody-roos 'e'd been an' bloody shot -
An' the shootin' bloke said, 'Things are crook, the drought's so bloody tough,
I shot forty-bloody-seven; an' that's good e-bloody-nough'.
An' this polite rejoinder seemed to satisfy the mob,
An' everyone stopped listenin' an' got on with the job,
Which was drinkin' beer and arguin' an' talkin' o' the 'eat.
An' gettin' bogged in bitumen in the middle o' the street;
But as fer me, I'm 'ere to say the interestin' news
Was Tumba-bloody-rumba shootin' kanga-bloody-roos. ;)

[Byrhthelm]

The Day the Pub Burned Down

Draw up a stump and lend an ear,
A story I'll relate
About a sinful waste of beer
I will elucidate
I'll tell how a calamity struck
Wapakiwi town
And caused a gruesome tragedy
the day the pub burned down.

We'd had no rain for weeks and weeks
Wells and tanks were dry
No water flowed along the creeks
We had no town supply
the blazing sun without relent
Turned all the leaves to brown
Imagine our predicament
The day the pub burned down.

The blokes that assembled in the bar
On that fateul day
By horse, and foot and motor car
they all had made their way
They were listening to Manuga Jones
New Zealand's finest liar
When came a cry that chilled the bones
"The bloody pub's on fire"!

Through heat and smoke we dragged the booze
For safety out the door
Thought of we stood to lose
And rushed back in for more.
Hurrah! the fire brigade is here
Those blokes of high renown.
"Oh fireman, fireman save the beer,
And let the pub burn down"!

But they smashed the tops of barrels in
While grown men knelt to pray
Shoved their bloody hoses in
And shouted "pumps away"
they fought with beer and lemonade
That raging fire to drown.
We cursed and fought the fire brigade
The day the pub burned down.

[Serious Black]

Both are lovely pieces of writing. I think I will save them for future reference. :)

[silverfox]

:lol

[Byrhthelm]

A General is faster than a speeding bullet
More powerful than a locomotive
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

A Colonel is as fast as a speeding bullet
Just as powerful as a locomotive
Clears tall buildings with a running start
Swims well
Is talked to by God

A Major is not quite as fast as a speeding bullet
Is as powerful as a shunting engine
Clears low buildings with a single bound
Doggy paddles
Talks to God when special authority is obtained


A Captain is as fast as a BB round
Is not as powerful as a shunting engine
Clears low buildings with a running start
Can stay afloat
Is aware of God

A Lieutenant is not issued with ammunition
Can recognise a locomotive
Can enter buildings through the door
Cannot swim
Talks to himself

A Second Lieutenant says 'look at the choo-choo'
Is not issued with a firearm
Trips over doorsteps
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

A Sergeant Major catches speeding bullets in his teeth
Derails locomotives
Demolishes buildings
Freezes water at a glance
He is God

A Private puts the de-railed locomotives back on the rails
Picks up the spent cartridge cases from the speeding bullets
Sweeps under all sorts of buildings
Carries the water to be frozen
He is the Son of God

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

Interesting...

[Byrhthelm]

Just a somewhat cynical view of hierarchical organisations...

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

There's a lot of long words in the sentance sire, i'm nowt but a humble pirate...

[Byrhthelm]

There's a lot of long words in the sentance sire, i'm nowt but a humble pirate...

Yeah, right!!! :lol

[silverfox]

I liked that one. you should post another

I dont know if Dom's a pirate but i'm definitly a buccaneer

[siskoeva]

and I, only a lowly mariner...

[Byrhthelm]

"The Chastity Belt"

Oh, pray, gentle maiden. let me be your lover
Condemn me no longer to mourn and to weep,
Shot down like a hart I lie wounded and bleeding,
Let down your drawbridge, and I'll enter your keep.

Enter your keep, nonny, nonny
Emter your keep, nonny, nonny
Let down your drawbridge, and I'll enter your keep.

Alas, noble errant, I fear I'm no maiden,
For I'm wed to Sir Oswald, the cunning old Celt.
He's off to the wars for a twelvemonth or longer.
And he's taken the key to my chastity belt.

Chastity belt nonny, nonny
Chastity belt, nonny, nonny
Taken the key to my chastity belt.

Fear not, noble Lady, I know of a blacksmith
Toi his forge we shall go on his door we shall knock
And we shall avail of his specialised knowledge
And see if he's able to unpick your lock.

Unpick your lock, nonny, nonny
Unpick you lock, nonny, nonny
See is he's able to unpick you lock.

Alas Sir and Madam, I fear I'm unable
My specialised knowledge is of no avail
I can't find the secret to you combinations.
The cunning old baron has fitted a Yale.

Fitted a Yale, nonny, nonny
Fitted a Yale, nonny, nonny
The cunning old baron has fitted a Yale.

I'm back from the wars with sad news of diasaster.
A terrible mischance I have to confide.
As our ship was passing the Straits of Gibraltar
I carelessly dropped the key over the side.

Over the side, nonny, nonny
Over the side, nonny, nonny
Carelessly dropped the key over the side.

Alas and alack, I am locked up for ever.
The upspoke a page saying, leave it to me.
If you will allow me to enter your chamber,
I'll open your lock with my duplicate key.

Duplicate key, nonny, nonny,
Duplicate key, nonny, nonny,
Open your lock with my duplicate key!

[Aragil]

Word. Chastity belts are scary.

[Daughter of Mirkwood]

Im feeling scared

[Byrhthelm]

The Thunder God went for a ride
Upon his favourite filly
"I'm Thor"! he cried
And the horse replied
You forgot your thaddle thilly!

[Arathorn III]

*laughs out loud* :lol